Losing my intuition

 It is quite confronting when you look at your resume, and you have to come to the conclusion that it is full with things you don't really care for anymore. That is what happened to me about 2 (or more) years ago. I looked at it and I thought, damn girl - what the f***. I spent almost my whole working life just rowing my boat in a pond. I've spent too much time just ignoring my interests, my creativity, my intuition, my guts. And that is of course only my fault. I was happy with the money, the car, the many advantages, the security and all those superficial (but also needed) things.

When you are 18 and have to decide what line of study you want to pursue and you don't really have a calling, you just choose something that keeps all options open. I chose communication management - a term that says nothing and does not really mean anything either. Then you get your degree and you think: What now? What is my value to the world? I certainly did not know. So I thought - okay, let's give it one more year -maybe then I will know. I like(d) to travel and I like hotels , so I chose hotel management. Again the same story,  and then the moment comes - you start working, with still no clue of your place in the world. The only thing that matters now is making money & preferably according to your diploma . Don't get me wrong, I am grateful I got to study and that I was able to start working  on a "higher" level, because of that I had the luck to live comfortably for some years.

However, I think I went in a sort of hibernation mode intellectually for more than 10 years because other things got more important - money, living on my own, travelling, having fun, making some bad choices, and then... I met the man of my life and I became a mother. I slowly noticed that since I had found my personal happiness in life, my superficial motives were not enough anymore. It was time for something more. In my motherhood I learned to trust my instincts again and to trust myself.

Since then I have been on a road of discovery, or maybe recovery is a better word, listening to myself, trusting my intuition. I still make mistakes against this every day, as it so much easier to listen to other people's opinions and to go with what society tells you to. But in the end, other people and society are not responsable for my life. I'm so tired of seeing other people realizing ideas I also had and succeeding. I feel it is going to be a much longer road than I hoped because I come from far and I have a lot of interests but unfortunately my ideas are not always the most lucrative. But I feel there is something...my intuition says something is coming. I don't know what, I don't know how - but I will have to trust my guts and start to listen to my intuition.

Maybe then I will get out of the pond and into the open sea.

My problems are clearly first world problems (very aware of that) and maybe to most of you I am not making sense at all, but maybe some of you will recognize this feeling...
I just want to find my space in the world and do something useful with my life while earning a living.